OP-ED: This Watch Makes My Face Look Fat

Dear Uncle Pete,

Thank you for your generous birthday gift – it was greatly appreciated. However, I feel obliged to inform you that I must return the watch that you gave me because it makes my face look fat.

It’s a very nice watch – Tag Heuer®, as you must know, is a quality brand. But as you can plainly see in the enclosed photograph, the way that the watch fits on my wrist makes my face look fat.

I don’t think of myself as conceited, but I like to do everything I can to maintain my appearance.
Unfortunately, the watch you gave me on my birthday does not fit into my ‘look.’ In fact, it makes my face look extremely chubby.

Without the watch, I’m a real wing-dinger. My mother tells me that I am muscular and athletic – and the ‘chicks’ here at Georgetown really notice. However, while wearing that watch, my face looks like a garbage bag full of cottage cheese. Clearly, I look fine other than the effect of the watch on the appearance of my face…it really does make a difference. Anyway, I’m very sorry that I have to return the watch, but it’s for my own good.

Sincerely,

Corky St. Clair