New Study: Philosophy Classes Best Cure For Insomnia

HES to Begin ‘Fall Asleep to Philosophy’ Program This Month

Georgetown’s Philosophy department is a safe, all-natural sleep-inducer, according to a recent study by Health Education Services (HES).

“Sleep loss has become an epidemic at Georgetown, dozens of students come to the HES office every week complaining that they can’t sleep at night…we used to recommend sleeping aids such as Excedrin PM or Nyquil, but students can now fall asleep naturally with the help of Descartes, Aristotle, and Plotinus,” said an HES spokeswoman.

The study’s findings show that more than 60% of the students in a Georgetown philosophy class fall asleep within the first 5 minutes of class. The remaining 40% are asleep within a half hour.

“It’s truly amazing; we’ve found a safe, natural, and drug-free sleep inducer in the GU philosophy
department,” the spokeswoman said. From these studies, HES hopes to permanently end sleep deprivation at Georgetown. Starting this month, any student who complains that they lie in bed for hours before falling will be prescribed a new program called ‘Fall Asleep to Philosophy.’ The program will bring professors from the philosophy department to campus dorms, where they will give a bedside lecture until the student is fast asleep.

“We’ve already experienced wonderful results; students who have suffered from serious insomnia have been passing out like babies within in minutes of the lecture,” added the HES spokeswoman.

One former speed addict exclaimed; “I’ve finally been delivered from my hell. I used to lie awake staring into the dark nothing…I wouldn’t actually fall asleep until 5 or 6 in the morning,” he said. “Ever since I enrolled in ‘Fall Asleep to Philosophy,’ I’m getting nine hours of sleep every night!”

With continued success, HES hopes to set up on-campus nap stations in the abandoned Village C lounge, where the Philosophy department will have an on-call professor to help students nap in between classes.