Esherick Signs 38-Year Contract Extension
"He's Running the Program Into the Ground But Hey, He's a Hoya!" Says AD Lang
Georgetown University administrators announced that men’s basketball Head Coach Craig Esherick has agreed to terms for a 38-year contract extension.
“I’m thrilled that for the rest of my career, I’ll be either turning down or not receiving postseason bids right here at Georgetown,” said the smiling Esherick. “I’ll finally be able to complete my lifelong goal of running the GU basketball program into the ground,” he added, stroking his mustache.
The terms of the agreement were not disclosed, but Athletic Director Joe Lang was effusive in his praise of Esherick’s progress: “The results speak for themselves,” said Lang. “For example, the first time we played Seton Hall we lost by 14, and the next time we only lost by 11. And, that last time we made overtime! That’s progress! Gee Whiz!”
After a recent loss to UCLA, the Hoyas are now tied for last place in the Big East West, jeopardizing a place in next month’s Big East tournament. When questioned about the hoops team’s downfall, Lang had only positive things to say.
“Making the BIG EAST tournament every year is unreasonable,” said Lang. “That would require beating more than a handful of the teams that we play, and that’s not realistic. I mean, we beat South Carolina this year and that sure is swell! Golly!”
Esherick’s record of progress is as clear as the mustache on his face. During his tenure as Hoya Head Coach, Esherick has lead the Hoyas to one NCAA tournament in five years, has reached the second round of the NIT, and has single-handedly ended Georgetown’s postseason appearance streak. Esherick has also demonstrated a consistent inability to beat the zone and win close games, and he looks like Dabney Coleman.
Students reacted in an overwhelmingly positive way to Esherick’s 38-year contract extension. “I love Esherick…he’s always on TV drinking that Gatorade bottle of his, or raising one or two firsts. He’s so diverse,” said Hoya fan Tom Davenport (MSB ’04).
An enthusiastic Davenport added: “It would take a coaching genius like Wooden or Auerbach to realize that with 15 seconds left and the game tied, your team needs a shot. Esherick has the program moving the right direction – who cares about the postseason?”
In related news, at the Senior Auction, the “Dinner with Coach Esherick” item went unsold, proving, according to Lang, that “no one in attendance could afford such a prize.”
