Bush Announces Plan to Explode the Entire Universe

Monday, February 10, 2003
By Corky St. Clair

President Will Eradicate Everything in the Cosmos But U.S.

President Bush announced a new plan yesterday to explode the entire universe, leaving only the continental United States intact. “Operation Git ‘Em” will destroy the entire cosmos because it “harbors terrorists, weapons of mass destruction, and goddamn commie bastards,” said President Bush.

“The universe harbors countries full of bastards who want to kill us; nations like North Korea, Iraq, and Seattle,” said the President. “Those countries, in turn, will be brought to justice by the United States…unfortunately, every country in the world harbors at least a few bastards that don’t love America, and those countries must therefore be nuked back into the Stone Age,” said Bush. “Goddamn,” he added.

To show that the government’s actions are not racially or culturally biased, President Bush will instruct our Armed Forces to equally “kill all them goddamn bastards” who do not look like affluent American Christians. “Equality is one of the great principles that our great forefathers founded this great nation upon…so we will not discriminate in who we kill,” said Bush. “We will slaughter all peoples and all nations equally,” he said.

Previously, Bush had targeted only non-WASPs like “A-Rabs, Chinamen, and the Seattlese,” but his new, all-inclusive “Operation Git ‘Em” will exterminate all races equally.

The continental United States, the only remaining plain of existence after “Operation Git ‘Em,” will float freely through the nothingness that was once the Universe, free of enemies like Iraq and Seattle.

Bush also added that the 4,000 citizens of Texearth, as it will be called after The Operation, will also no longer live in fear of Martians, as our solar system will be vaporized along with the rest of the cosmos. “After the eradication of the cosmos, we will no longer live in fear of the Martians,” said Bush. “I seen them movies…and I’ll tell you what – them Martians got it out for us Earthlings, and they is scary. Jeepers.”