OP-ED: New Miracle Diet Plan for Georgetown Girls: Stop Eating So Much

It’s come to this reporter’s attention that weight loss, and fear of weight gain, for that matter, is an issue of the utmost importance to Georgetown girls. As Sophie Lardass (NHS ’04) states, “I had tried everything, from slim fast, to that silly Adkins diet where you can’t eat the bun of the hamburger, to pills that promised miracles, but only delivered disappointment, and I still couldn’t lose any weight. And at this school, it’s very important to be thin, because if your not, it makes it far harder to shamelessly whore yourself out to men who have no intention of speaking to you ever again.”

With motivation like this in the student body, the stage has been set for a diet that actually works to get the weight off, and keep it off. Well fellow Hoyas, I present to you the Nacho Alabaster Miracle diet plan. The methods are easy, the results are guaranteed, and best of all, it can be accomplished in one easy step: STOP EATING SO MUCH! There are no pills to take, no expensive gyms to join, no Weight Watchers points to count, and no silly all- protein meals. All you have to remember is to STOP EATING SO MUCH!

The results are conclusive.  Ann O. Recksick (MSB ’03) who completed the program raves: “Ever since I went on Nacho Alabaster’s Miracle diet, I have gotten tons of compliments from guys. They say they love to count how many of my ribs they can see through my back, and that when my eyes become sunken into my sallow and yellowing cheek-bones, that it really brings out their color.  THANKS, NACHO!”

So you see ladies, its easy!! If you want to shed the pounds, and get the man (or woman) of your dreams, all you have to do is STOP EATING SO MUCH!  And if you are really in a desperate way, you can try my advanced diet, “STOP EATING ALLTOGETHER, AND WHEN YOU DO SLIP UP AND EAT, IMMEDIATELY PURGE ALL THAT UNHEALTHINESS INTO THE NEAREST RESTROOM FACILITY!”  Trust me Georgetown, how much better would this campus look if even MORE girls got on my miracle plan? I bet this school could compete for the best looking refugee camp in all of Somalia. So girls waste no more time, you know what the guys want—
all you have to do is STOP EATING SO MUCH!, or in advanced cases, STOP EATING ALLTOGETHER!!

Trust me, us guys will appreciate it, the same way we appreciate hemorrhoids and genital warts.  God bless, and purge and conquer.