ANC to Punish Underage Drinkers with Death Penalty
GU, MPD to Support New Capital Punishment Agenda
In a groundbreaking move to discourage underage drinking at Georgetown, ANC committee members unanimously passed new regulations that will punish underage drinkers with the death penalty.
“Violent crimes like muggings and robberies are one thing, but students really cross the line when they drink…it’s time that Georgetown residents took a stand against these evil cowards,” said an emotional council member who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s time that these damn kids paid for the damage [they] have done to our society,” he said.
A University spokesman said that Georgetown administrators will not interfere with the execution of deviant students. “While the punishment may seem slightly harsh, its time to get serious about putting an end to underage drinking,” he said.
The same spokesman added, “if a student chooses to drink, then he chooses to die. We want our students to be accountable for their actions.”
DC Police (MPD) will also join the fight against the debauchery of Hilltop coeds. In a recent statement to The Hoya, MPD Lieutenant Jack Mehoph said: “we will act with extreme prejudice towards any suspected A.C. [alcohol consumer]…they will be gagged and shackled, and MPD will be happy to flip the switch when execution day comes around.”
DC Police Chief Charles Ramsey showed his support for the new agenda by issuing the following statement: “DC cops will no longer waste time and money on petty crimes like murder, robbery, or assault. Instead, we will focus on the real criminals – the underage drinkers. The streets of Georgetown will be safe again only after underage drinkers are eliminated.”
Lt. Mehoph also said that MPD will, as usual, operate under G.U.P.I.P. (Guilty Until Proven Innocent Protocol), until the underage drinking threat is exterminated from the streets of Georgetown. “Until then,” Mehoph said, “we’ll all just have to get used to living in fear of underage drinkers.
