This is the first issue of The Georgetown Heckler, the funniest goddamn online magazine around, so some explanation is necessary. This is written by Georgetown University students in an ill-advised attempt to laugh at ourselves, our classmates, and the Man. The Georgetown Heckler is undoubtedly in poor taste, but please don’t be too offended... »
Archive for January, 2003
First Issue Notice
Monday, January 13th, 2003
ANC to Punish Underage Drinkers with Death Penalty
Monday, January 13th, 2003
In a groundbreaking move to discourage underage drinking at Georgetown, ANC committee members unanimously passed new regulations that will punish underage drinkers with the death penalty. “Violent crimes like muggings and robberies are one thing, but students really cross the line when they drink…it’s time that Georgetown residents took a stand against these evil cowards,”... »
Cafeterias to Begin Serving Asparagus, Students Debate Value of Tip vs. Shaft
Monday, January 13th, 2003
In an effort to bolster their cuisine’s nutritional value, officials from the New South and Darnall cafeterias announced today that they would begin serving asparagus at every meal. However, no agreement could be reached as to which part of the vegetable provided the most pleasure to the taste buds. “The shaft provides the most flavor,”... »
DeGioia Denies Looking Like That Guy from NBC's Pickett Fences
Monday, January 13th, 2003
In a recent statement, University president Jack DeGioia denied allegations about his uncanny resemblance to Carter of TV’s ‘Pickett Fences’ fame. DeGioia stated that he possesses “more noticeable hair loss and dorkiness” than Carter. As DeGioia ended the statement, he calmly placed his Star Trek collector’s pen into his pocket protector and flashed an... »
'About Schmidt' Flounders, But the Golden Bear Shines
Monday, January 13th, 2003
In About Schmidt, Academy Award winner Jack Nicholson plays Warren Schmidt, an ageing newly-retired insurance executive. The movie begins at Schmidt’s retirement party in Omaha, Nebraska, where co-workers and family members praise their departing colleague. But all is not as well as it seems. The story that follows is dull and uncertain, and no clear... »
OP-ED: Hairy Palms at Georgetown: Sexual Depravity or Evolution?
Monday, January 13th, 2003
A recent study by Harvard University researchers indicates that Georgetown University males have hairier palms than any other student population in the nation. The study shows that men at Georgetown begin growing hair on their palms during February of their freshman year, on average, while the national average is November of a student’s sophomore... »
OP-ED: Classroom Crucifixes
Monday, January 13th, 2003
The issue of crosses in Georgetown classrooms has recently become a heated debate in the Hilltop Jewish community. With a crucifix hanging in every classroom, some Jewish students have blamed poor grades and a lack of attendance on a constant fear of these crucifixes. One student, Morris Steinblumfeld (COL ’05) said, “It’s almost like there... »
Top Ten Rejected Ideas for Articles (Actually Submitted by The Heckler Staff)
Monday, January 13th, 2003
1. Eating your own feces: How could something that seems so wrong feel so right? 2. Georgetown Lax: Still Undefeated in ‘Sweetness’ Contests 3. How to Bake a Tuna Casserole in Eight Easy Steps 4. Hey Mom and Dad, I’m Gay 5. Why Dating Doesn’t Exist at Georgetown: Dinner Costs Money, Getting Laid is Free 6. People Who Look... »
INTERVIEW: Freshman’s Coming Out Not as Exciting as Expected
Monday, January 13th, 2003
In an exclusive interview with the Georgetown Heckler, first-year Hoya Tom Davenport (COL ’06) bears all about his profoundly unexciting coming out. GH: What happened when you came out as a homosexual? TD: Well, it just wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be. I always thought that people would be shocked or surprised,... »
