By Chet Berlinerblau

 

 

CAMPUS — Following a string of break-ins that have left students feeling both deeply shaken and strangely indulged, the Department of Public Safety is still searching for the mysterious criminal known only as the Georgetown Coddler.

 

The Coddler, described as a 5’11” white or Hispanic male with an avuncular demeanor, is suspected in more than a dozen cases of breaking and entering, during which he has allegedly pampered, spoiled, and generally made a fuss over his distraught victims.

 

Christine Reardon, a junior English major, reported the first sighting of the suspected Coddler last March, when she awoke to find the assailant washing and ironing most of the laundry from her West Georgetown townhouse.  “He was folding everything really neat, and putting it into piles on my dresser, just like my parents used to do,” recalled Reardon.  “After a while he must have realized I was awake, because he just wished me luck on my midterms and ran out of the room.  I cried for a really long time after that.”

 

The predatory offender has since been linked to more than a dozen unsolved crimes, each of them marked by typical Coddler calling cards such as refilled refrigerators, home-baked cookies and pastries deposited on nightstands, and offers to help with challenging homework assignments.  In what many have described as the burglar’s most chilling act to date, the Coddler reportedly used his own family connections to secure Emily Wurtzler, a C-average business major with a sub-par understanding of financial systems, a prestigious internship at Morgan Stanley & Co.  

 

“I’ve never felt so violated in my life,” Wurtzler said.

 

In each case, DPS officials canvassed the areas with negative results, but a broadcast email from the Office of University Safety urged students to remain vigilant and keep all doors and windows locked.  Additionally, DPS director Jeffrey Van Slyke released a victim profile intended to protect those considered to be most at risk.

 

“Clearly, the Coddler intends to strike at the Georgetown community’s weakest and most vulnerable members,” Van Slyke declared.  “Students from wealthy urban homes, as well as those with trust funds, are at particular risk of coddling.”

 

Although a sexual motive was initially suspected, the Coddler has since displayed a willingness to strike at men and women without distinction.  College freshman Will Delazio recalled finding the Coddler in his Village C bedroom, where he had apparently come to replenish the undeclared major’s depleted bank account.  

 

“At first he just wrote me a check, which was cool, because I’d been spending a shitload over at Third’s that weekend,” remembered Delazio.  “But then he started giving me a lecture about fiscal responsibility, and I was like, ‘fuck off, man.’”  

 

The criminal reportedly fled the premises shortly thereafter.

 

Although the city-wide hunt for the Coddler continues, university officials are nevertheless warning students to take increased precautions in case of future attacks.  

 

“Students have to realize that they’re the only ones who can protect themselves in a situation like this,” warned Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson.  “You’re in college now.  You have to take care of yourselves.  God knows no one’s going to do it for you.”