The Heckler Bids Farewell to JuicyCampus

 

 

As part of the established media elite, we here at the Heckler are unnerved and saddened by the recent closing of JuicyCampus.com. As I think we all know, the implosion of this journalistic giant is indicative of the troubled state of modern journalism. Already the Christian Science Monitor has cancelled its print issue, the Time Corporation laid off 10% of its staff, and even the New York Times has been forced to take a mortgage on its multimillion-dollar headquarters in New York. All of this I was able to take in stride, but the loss of JuicyCampus is more than my heavy heart can bear.

 

Some of you may be thinking, hey I thought JuicyCampus was just for ignorant sluts to talk about who gave the best rimjobs. Well you are the ignorant slut, because JuicyCampus was much, much more than just that. It was JuicyCampus that was responsible for the Spanish-Americn war with their infamous article, "Burritos make girls so fat! Oh my god Spain blew up the USS Maine!!" It was JuicyCampus that first broke the story on the Cuban Missile Crisis under the heading, "Embargoes are for fags – LOL Castro has fat tits!" And it was JuicyCampus' post "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Within US! Fags! Tits!" that CIA officials ignored in the days before September 11th. And when Michael Rottson commissioned a report on the "Best Racks at Gtown. Go Hoyas!" he turned to none other than the JuicyCampus investigative journalism team. So don't tell me JuicyCampus only writes about rimjobs, cause that's a load of shit.

 

When the idea for JuicyCampus first struck Matt Ivester he described it this way: "I was staring at ten asses on the street and I wondered, man, which one is the tightest. So I put down my lacrosse stick, slapped each one of the girls on the ass, came on a hobo and thought, that's it!" We at the Heckler salute you Matt for your commitment to journalistic integrity and undying vigilance in the pursuit of knowledge. While the rest of the world might look down upon you as a worthless sack of shit who created a website solely notable for its reckless disregard for all that is good in humanity, know in your heart of hearts that the Heckler thinks they can go fist themselves because what you cared about most was truth. 

 

It's a sad day for journalists everywhere. As the journalistic apocalypse approaches, we must wonder what our future is. Will our children's children even know what a newspaper is? Where will they turn to when they want to hear anonymous homophobes rant? FOX News? Only if they too survive this day of reckoning. God help us. So, I ask you, no, I implore you to keep judging and keep writing, because maybe then JuicyCampus can at least live on in our hearts.

 

Tits!