GU Alum Appointed to Wash President Obama's Bathroom

By Preston Sumter

 

WHITE HOUSE — Former student Allen Murphy (COL ’89) was appointed to be official toilet cleaner for President Obama Tuesday, making him yet another Hoya alumnus named to the new president’s team.  On hearing the news, President DeGioia said, “This man is a proud example for us all. Although we did not have the fortune of attending an Ivy League institution, some day I may be able to wash their toilets if I work hard enough.” The Hoya was quick to publish an article about Murphy, lauding his many accomplishments, after they had finished masturbating once again to the thought of working in the White House.  “It’s a testament to Allen’s Machiavellian, Georgetown-educated efforts to lie, cheat, and backstab his way to the top that he has been honored with this position today,” said Vice President Joe Biden in the announcement.  “They always say a Georgetown man is at home cleaning clogged shit out of narrow passages, and that’s certainly true today.”  Murphy has replaced former Georgetown professor and disgraced former Health and Human Services Secretary nominee Tom Daschle at a roundtable discussion on the Obama presidency at Gaston Hall tomorrow.