SlamPigs: The Most Popular Team at Georgetown

By Slippery Richard

 

 

It is really a shame to consider that so many people on campus and in society at large think of themselves as athletically inept. And though it may be sadder to consider that they think of themselves as this is really because they are athletically inept, nonetheless some team should exist whereon these people would feel comfortable in their complete physical insecurity. You know the people I refer to: those awkward girls in high school who, while perhaps popular in social cliques and theater clubs, just could never hack it on a real sports team (cheerleading isn’t a sport, remember).

 

 

The SlamPigs are a team committed to a high level of physical aptitude: a girl needs to maintain a physique attractive to the male gender, and this generally requires developing a vigorous eating disorder. Yet the team is a flexible one where any other sport might be less so in a comparable arena: a girl may be either bulimic or anorexic according to her preference.

 

In addition to figure, of course, an aspiring SlamPig does well to adopt the standard uniform of the PartySlut. This includes:

 

• a fake tan

• an artificially whitened smile

• a bad dye job and greasy, straightened hair

• tasteless black eyeliner

• a dress revealing of both their breasts and lower ass

• six-inch, hooker heals

• gum (to impart the look of a ruminating cow)

• a good bikini wax

• an expendable thong

 

And like I mentioned earlier, all one really needs to start this process is a credit card!

 

Once one has slipped into uniform and feels slightly dizzy for lack of food, then one is ready to play in the SlamPig games. The rules are essentially as follows: once dressed, a girl begins by calling up two or three other PartySluts and pre-gaming with them to the point of drunken stupor (this is marked by excessive, high-pitched giggling, a newfound inability to walk in one’s hooker heals, and the reversion to filling conversations with “Whaaaa….?”). Then with the team in tow, the group finds the party of an all-male sports group (i.e. crew, football, rugby, basketball, lacrosse, etc.), and begins throwing back additional beer or jungle juice upon arrival.

 

The main goal of the game is to drunkenly and sloppily fuck the brains out of at least one male sports player by the end of the evening. The more hook-ups a girl can acquire over the span of several parties, and more sexually denigrating they are to her reputation, the better able a girl is to earn her respective title as a SlamPig. In this way, not only has the girl found an avenue of athleticism (it is common knowledge that random, ravenous sex burns more calories than say, simple flirtation or courtship) previously unopened to her, but she has also carved out her niche as a member of the most popular team on campus. Not to mention, she achieves a sense of accomplishment and self-worth after having perhaps gained an affectionate nickname from one of the men’s teams, such as Ms. CumBucket.

 

What more could Title IX have hoped for?