Strange Side Effects Making Students Glad They Got Norovirus

By C.S. Verdad

 

 

CAMPUS — Over two hundred Georgetown University students have been infected with the contagious norovirus, which causes gastrointestinal symptoms such as nausea, diarrhea, vomiting and stomach cramps lasting anywhere from 24 to 72 hours and sparked a campus-wide panic. Some infected students, however, admit to feeling eerily “better than ever” after exposure to the virus.

 

Another student, David Schrauf (SFS ‘12), reported similar results. “I suddenly got all this chest hair and my voice dropped like a octave, thanks to the stir fry. Bitches been fightin’ over me since. I totally fucked my RA last night. Awesome.”

 

Other students had similar physical changes, and early reports suggest that the entire Georgetown University football team, infamous for piling their plates high at the dining hall, were affected disproportionately. One junior, speaking under the condition of anonymity for fear of violating NCAA rules, said, “This virus is fuckin boss. I gained like 45 pounds of muscle overnight.” In Saturday’s homecoming game against Penn, the football team lost only 27-7, easily beating the 117-point spread and giving hope that the team may somehow win one of their remaining five games this season.

 

“It’s really remarkable,” remarked Charles Chu, a professor of infectious diseases at the Georgetown University Medical Center, showing off his new third and fourth thumbs. “What we’re seeing for the first time here on campus is a sort of concentrated model of the effects of accelerated natural selection. Some students, the ones flocking to the emergency room, are clearly genetically inferior to those students who have reported positive physical effects following their exposure to this virus”.

 

Students have also reported increased academic ability following contact with the virus. Emily Frankel, formerly a junior in the College, reported, “I used to be an American Studies major, but this morning I woke up with a real interest in the possible link between amyotrophic lateral sclerosis and frontotemporal dementia. There’s a lot of really interesting research in that area, so I’m just gonna do pre-med, I think.”

 

“University officials are taking this very seriously and are moving quickly to take appropriate steps to prevent the spread of the virus,” University President John J. DeGioia said in a press conference this past week.

 

“That’s some bullshit,” said Dan Ledger (MSB ‘10), who had a friend with new paranormal abilities transcribe the press conference from a half mile away. “I’ve been waiting outside Leo’s all day. I even tried licking the doorknobs, but DPS made me stop. I got the LSATs on Saturday. I need this virus.”

 

Chu plans extensive research on the possible connections between the norovirus and the dramatic changes reported by students across campus. “The Office of the President has been very uncooperative. I don’t understand why. The norovirus could help keep Georgetown competitive. Georgetown applicants ought to be exposed to the virus in order to seed out unworthy candidates. I see no negative here”.

 

Of the 212 people who sought treatment for norovirus, 157 have reported amazing side effects and mutations, while only 55 have died.