By Preston Sumter
Note: In an act of generosity, we decided to take on Preston Sumter, a reporter from The Hoya, in the hopes that his time with us will allow him to take back some basic journalism skills to that newspaper. These are the results of his first attempts at good writing and objectivity.
Stray Dog Terrorizes Campus Gay Community
WEST GEORGETOWN — On Saturday, July 12, a vicious homophobic dog attacked John Lancaster (COL ‘10), a very gay student, near Tuscany Cafe on Prospect Street. Some have alleged, or I’m sure will allege, that this horrible attack is indicative of the hostile atmosphere towards the LGBTQ (Lots of Gays and Big Trannie-Queers, I’ll assume without fact-checking) community at Georgetown. John suffered minor abrasions on his left shin before kicking the dog off.
“It really isn't a big deal,” John declared, with heroic moderation. “It was just a dog. I really doubt it could know I’m gay.” His statement, while displaying great stoicism, flies in the face of the evidence that he is clearly visibly gay. “Also, it was a pretty small dog,” he added, clearly depressed at his own inadequacies, his lack of acceptance at Georgetown, and his firm but soft body. “Again, it isn't a big deal. How did you even hear about this?” John then returned to his dorm, telling this reporter not to follow him, no doubt because he was afraid I was intolerant and would be shocked by the vast amount of immoral gay sex going on in his room.
Frank Thompson, president of GU Pride said, “I don't think this event is particularly relevant to our organization,” demonstrating the horrible lack of leadership in the Homo-American community at Georgetown. “Wait, why are you crying and taking off your pants?”
President DeGioia could not be reached for comment because I didn’t feel like trying to reach him for comment.
Village C West Naming-Rights Finally Sold
CAMPUS — President DeGioia announced this week that in an effort to raise money the university, in the face of losses to its endowment, had sold the name of Village C West in a secret auction this summer, some period of time after its initial search in probably 1970 for an alumnus to buy its naming rights. Presumably, the reason for the sale is that the endowment is “less than I've payed for some Vietnamese prostitutes,” in DeGioia's words.
DeGioia revealed the name in a highly anticipated speech, opening by declaring, “I am proud to be able to tell one quarter of the freshman class this year that, for the first time ever, they will be living in ‘Ninja Penis Chuck Norris!’”
A website had heard about the auction and collected almost one hundred and twelve dollars to rename the building. President DeGioia said that the money will go somewhere. Maybe it was going towards security in an effort to prevent more people from being raped at gunpoint this year. [NOTE: when you get a chance, copy and paste a sentence from another news article where the reporter remembered what he said here]
Student and faculty reactions have been mixed. “This is an affront to the dignity of our school,” said Professor Linda Edelstein, head of the Art History department, although this reporter thinks she was just being a stuck up bitch. Meanwhile, some students have more positive views. “I'm going to be out of this dump in a year anyways,” said Jared Hannity (MSB '09).
The name for Village C East is set to be auctioned in December, and DeGioia has stated that he is hopeful that he can break the two hundred dollar barrier for it.
