Todd Olson Doing Right For Georgetown Waistlines
As all of you know, health is one of the foremost issues for which the Heckler editors are currently crusading. We know how hard it is in this modern day and age to eat right, exercise and stay fit. Obesity is one of the many challenges that we as a nation will face in the 21st century. In 2007, over a quarter of all Americans were obese and health care organizations have estimated that America’s obesity epidemic may cost nearly $75 billion in health care costs. It’s no $700 billion, but come on, every little bit helps.
It’s in light of these facts that we here at the Heckler laud Vice President Todd Olson’s recent anti-obesity initiative at the cafeteria. Olson’s gift of the wildly contagious norovirus to hundreds of students is an example that we can all follow. It’s leadership we can believe in. A lot of health officials claim something has to be done about America’s weight problem, but how many can put down on their resume gastrointestinal epidemic? Am I saying that Todd Olson secretly developed a highly contagious, dangerous strain of norovirus to combat the Freshman Fifteen and then injected it into students while cackling and stroking a fluffy white cat which he then proceeded to skin in front of me just to show he is incapable of attachment or human emotions? Perhaps.
In a time of national uncertainty and politics rife with empty rhetoric, it’s good to know that someone cares and someone is willing to do what it takes to make a difference. And Olson’s initiative couldn’t have come at a more crucial time. Statistically, October is the first month that freshman chicks start to pad their resumes and their thighs, but not this year, fatasses. You can eat all you want, but it’s coming right back up. Think of it as your body’s way of calling you fat.
So the next time you find yourself holding the toilet seat and wiping the bile from your lips, try to say, “Thanks Todd Olson. Thanks for caring. I am a fat fuck, and reckless disregard for hygienic standards is the best thing that’s happened to me since my dog died because I had premarital sex.”
