The Georgetown Heckler
 
For GUGS, One Pun Too Many Like the rest of women at this university who are proudly vagina-clad, I was shocked when I read this week that GUGS, pronounced like “jugs,” a slang term for breasts, decided to employ two more breast-related puns in planning an upcoming event. It’s not often that people objectify human breasts, especially here in the United States of America. For years, Georgetown women like me have enjoyed GUGS burgers and laughed at the pun of its name. It’s a great pun. Boobs are funny. Any feminist will agree that the pun is hilarious, and thus we have never taken action against GUGS for its name. But in using more than one boob pun, GUGS has proven itself dangerously misogynistic. We have been forced into defending women everywhere because GUGS has come up with two more boob puns. This issue should be very exciting for all women at Georgetown. Feminists have long been dormant on campus, but rather than having to face the prospect of exerting lots of energy to battle the serious problems women face elsewhere in the world, we now have the opportunity to relatively effortlessly battle an organization right here at home. We may never be able to end genital mutilation in the world because it means confronting the cripplingly patriarchal and oppressive regimes on other continents, but we can stop a student organization from tripling their number of boob puns quite easily. We don’t have to change minds here on an elite America university campus. We as women just have to make a judgment, and it will be deemed correct. Now is our time to stand up for what we believe in. Breasts are not objects. They do not perform a function, but what they do is abstract and talking about them as being sexually attractive or something from which babies receive sustenance denigrates all of our breasts. Organizations that treat breasts like this or organizations that make puns referring to organizations like this are always wrong. Breasts are abstract. Breasts are not objects, and they cannot be clearly defined. The girls of this campus must unite in order to dispel these two extra boob puns from the Georgetown community; we cannot allow a cleavage to develop between us. We have been harmed by GUGS, and we must respond tit for tat. If misogynists throw tomatoes at us, we will throw back heaping melons. We must grope for, and upon discovery, open, the chest of equality. We can’t hand out funbags to our oppressors as if at a child’s birthday party; we must use the sword. We can’t allow ourselves to get knocked around any longer by these giant knockers. We will bounce up and down if we need to. We will get a ladder and pull women’s rights off the hot rack above us. And ultimately, we will squirt out the sweet milk of freedom. And if we stick together, this issue will never be forgotten from Georgetown’s collective mammary.
 
 
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Otto Foots
A human boob (right).