Vatican Declares Genetic Manipulation A Deadly Sin; DeGioia Goes Into Hiding
By Rex Derkowitz, Esq.
CAMPUS – Georgetown President John “Rub Me Till I Purr” DeGioia has been missing for three weeks now since the Vatican announced its new list of deadly sins, which includes genetic manipulation. DeGioia, the result of a horrible experiment gone wrong, has not been seen since the new sins were leaked to the press.
The Vatican’s decision to release new sins came after much debate within the Church and Pope Benedict’s fear about the loss of religiosity in everyday life. “People are not afraid anymore. They will know fear again. Oh yes they will be afraid,” he said sitting facing a window in an armchair while stroking his white Persian cat.
Amongst the new deadly sins the Vatican announced included pollution, excessive wealth, genetic manipulation, puppies, laughter, and being Dan Brown.
DeGioia was last seen being walked by the “Jack Crew” on Healy Lawn on March 16. Jack Crew member Steve Helkins (COL ‘09) noted that the president seemed “extremely content.” “That may have been because Lent was ending and he was looking forward to 
being allowed to eat Snausages again. God he loves those Snausages.” When he received word of the new sins, however, DeGioia became quiet, brooding and kept to himself. He disappeared shortly thereafter.
being allowed to eat Snausages again. God he loves those Snausages.” When he received word of the new sins, however, DeGioia became quiet, brooding and kept to himself. He disappeared shortly thereafter.Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson has resumed DeGioia’s day-to-day activities, but has yet to comment on DeGioia’sabsence. He has openly spoken out in support of the Vatican’s decision saying, “Puppies and laughter are some of the gravest threats modern Catholics face. As a Catholic university we will abide by the Church’s new rulings.” In order to comply with the Vatican, Olson has announced that Jack the Bulldog is to be burned at the stake for witchcraft on April 28. Any attempts at humor will be dealt with “using extreme and unrelenting fury,” said Olson. He then muttered something about a keg ban.
DeGioia, the product of a cross-breeding between a hamster and Mr. Clean, is considered anathema by the Catholic Church and his rise to prominence at Georgetown University remains shrouded in mystery. Sources close to the administration, though, note rumors of involvement by Satan and Snausage CEO Phillip Wellington, who sold his soul to the devil for a delicious dog treat recipe.
DeGioia’s parents held a press conference yesterday to beg for clemency from the Pope for their son. “We are praying for our son’s safe return. Jack, if you’re watching this now, come home,” said DeGioia’s father Mr. Clean flanked by Mrs. DeGioia and Snocrates, the Snausage mascot and a close family friend. Snocrates added, “Snausages! Snausages!”
DeGioia’s whereabouts remain unknown, and his fate as Georgetown’s 48th President remains unknown.
