DeGioia Seeks Independence from University
By Rex Derkowitz, Esq.
CAMPUS – Georgetown University President Jack “If there’s grass on the field” DeGioia recently met with University administrators to discuss a potential move towards independence. DeGioia has been actively seeking independence from the University since Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson called him fat seven years ago.
“This is about integrity. I can’t tyrannically reign over a University that has other people in the administration,” DeGioia said a press conference held yesterday wearing a “Save The ‘Gioia” t-shirt, the name he has given to his independence campaign. “Plus, Todd’s a dick.”
DeGioia made a similar push for independence in 2006 when he stopped showing up to work for nearly a month. After an all-persons bulletin was put out by the Metropolitan Police, detectives tracked DeGioia using former presidential aid Karl Rove whose forehead is a childhood friend of DeGioia’s forehead, whom he calls Ralph.
DeGioia was later found in his home dancing to Madonna and eating a tub of Cherry Garcia in a silk robe. At the time, he was quoted in the Washington Post as saying, “Like a virgin. Doing it for the very first time. Like a vir-ir-ir-irgin. Like a virgin. Todd Olson’s a dick.”
Some administrators have expressed concern about DeGioia’s bid for independence, saying it would be unlikely he would be able to become self-sufficient without the University’s support. “This is a man who bled profusely from the ears the first time he discovered q-tips. This is the same man who almost died after consuming an entire bag of marshmallows, which later turned out to be cotton balls. And this is the same man who thought the lyrics to ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’ [by Def Leppard] were ‘Whores Are Sugar for Me.’ I’m just not sure independence is the right move for him right now,” University spokesperson Julie Bataille said.
Other administrator’s expressed similar concerns, saying they were worried DeGioia might forget to eat consistently enough to wear down his continuously growing incisors. Rodents must eat continuously lest their incisors become large enough to obstruct feeding, resulting in starvation.
In addition to feeding and bathing concerns, some have questioned DeGioia’s financial viability. In 2001 the University bailed DeGioia out of a massive financial deficit caused 
by excessive purchases of chiclets and underage Tijuana whores during a spring break trip. The University was even forced to delve into emergency funds, using much of campus newspaper The Hoya’s surplus, and even that was nearly not enough to satisfy Tijuana chicklet and underage whore czar Tito Martinez’s insatiable greed for American dinero.
by excessive purchases of chiclets and underage Tijuana whores during a spring break trip. The University was even forced to delve into emergency funds, using much of campus newspaper The Hoya’s surplus, and even that was nearly not enough to satisfy Tijuana chicklet and underage whore czar Tito Martinez’s insatiable greed for American dinero. At the time, Hoya editors complained bitterly about forgoing their massive profits, claiming the University was stifling their ability to succeed as a newspaper. In response to The Hoya’s complaints, DeGioia was quoted as having said, “It was like taking candy from a baby.”
DeGioia and Vice President Olson are set to meet this Friday to further discuss independence, particularly several key issues, the most important of which is the University’s right to DeGioia’s name. The University recently applied for a copyright of the name “Jack.” “The name ‘Jack’ is to be used exclusively for our bulldog. If Junebug DeGioia wants to use it after he goes independent, I can assure you we will take strong legal action,” University legal counsel Harold Stickler said. “Junebug” is a name the University has suggested for DeGioia to avoid a potential lawsuit.
When asked for comment, DeGioia asked, “Tiene chiclet?” When chiclets were not made available he refused to comment.
DeGioia in Tijuana, 2001
