Burglar Steals Georgetown Endowment

By Otto Foots 

 

 

 

The large stacks of cash that composed the Georgetown endowment were stored from floor to ceiling in three rooms in the Leavey Center that had previously been offices for student organizations.  The endowment, which was not stored in banks or otherwise invested because of Catholic teachings regarding usury, used to be stored in a vault in ICC.  However, space limitations forced the administration to kick student groups out of Leavey to make room for storage of the endowment.  The ICC vault is now used by Professor George Tenet for torturing his sub-par students.  The endowment had been protected by a magical endowment eagle since it was established in the 1970s, but the eagle was reportedly shot dead by the burglar.  “We thought that eagle was foolproof, but I guess the burglar figured out a way to stop it,” a Department of Public Safety officer said.

 

DPS did a search of the area around Leavey on the morning of January 11, but the search had negative results.  The University notified the DPS, the Metropolitan Police Department, and the U.S. Secret Service, which investigates shit like this, of the missing endowment; it did the same after 38,000 student Social Security numbers were stolen the week before.

 

Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson sent a broadcast e-mail to current students and staff about the theft Friday, over two months after the crime, writing to students that university officials “might have to shut down the university until your rich parents pony up with some donations.”  “Look, it’s not my fault,” Olson wrote, “I locked those offices when I left work for the day when I always do, at 2 PM.  I know I did.  I’m obsessive compulsive.”

 

Georgetown President John DeGioia flew to California this morning to try to procure an emergency donation from the late University donor Bob McDonough  (SFS ’49), who died in November.  “He’s gotta have a couple million clutched to his chest in that coffin,” DeGioia said, “and I’m gonna get it from him.”

 

Vice President of University Safety Rocky DelMonaco stood on the statue of John Carroll in Healy Circle Friday, yelling at passerby.  “I’ll take any of you on.  Any of you!  Come and get it!  Shit, I’ve killed at least twenty dudes for less than $20,” he was reported saying.  “You mess with the endowment, you mess with Rocky!”

 

Before leaving for California, DeGioia sent out his own e-mail to students and staff this morning, promising action.  “We will stop at nothing to find out who stole the endowment.  Furthermore, we will stop at nothing to find out the person who is responsible for letting this happen, and we will stop at nothing to promote that person to a high position in the administration as soon as possible.”

 

The university has offered a free puppy and loaf of banana bread to whoever returns the endowment, no questions asked.