A Very Special Message from the Vice President of Student Affairs, Todd Olson
NOTE: This is the first in a new Heckler series called “Administrator’s Corner.” Each month, a new Georgetown administrator will present a special message to you, the students, to make themselves seem like they are doing something important. We are desperately trying not to get Inquisitioned sued by the university for breach of Catholic ideals libel, so we are presenting this forum as a public service to the Georgetown administration. Please don’t read this.
Dear Students:
It’s time for another update on the alcohol policy! I hope you’re really appreciating my little e-mails by now. Ok, first, effective October 1, students on campus who wish to host a party must have attended a one-hour informational session before they try to register and host their party. The last session will be this Thursday. To register and to learn more about the information sessions, please visit the I Don’t Know How To Party Because I’m Too Stupid To Be Responsible For Myself And Need Todd Olson To Teach Me What To Do website at:
Second, I want to let you know more about our dry social programs this year. Look, we really need your help here. We are doing these events so you will come to them instead of drinking. However, most of you have been coming to these events drunk. You are not supposed to have any social life outside of these events. I know how to plan parties, not you. Student parties are for squares, but my parties are totally rad! Here’s what we have planned for this year so far, and we will let you know about more events as we fill out the schedule:
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• September 1: What’s After Dark: Todd Olson Fucks a Girl in the Stacks at Party at Club LAU
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• October 6: Poetry Slam! President DeGioia and an Ethnically Diverse Group of Students Recite Inspiring, Pro-Establishment Beat Poetry
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• October 27: Gigli on Copley Lawn
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• November 10: Extreme Bingo Night at White-Gravenor with the Staff of The Georgetown Independent
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• November 17: Sing-along and Have Your Picture Taken with Turkey Todd, Played by Todd Olson
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• December 8: Provost James O’Donnell and College Dean Jane McAuliffe Play the Hits of the 1970s on Violin
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• January 19: The Center for Student Programs Forces the Georgetown Basketball Team to Spend All Night Making Balloon Animals for You in Car Barn
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• February 23: Party at Club Office of the University Registrar
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• March 29: Party at Club Jesuit Cemetery
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• April 19: Party at Club Pile of Dirt Next to New Business School
Again, please don’t come to these drunk. Your parents pay $10,000 a year to fund these events because they are supposed to keep you from drinking, not to be something for you to laugh at as you’re walking around campus drunk.
Sincerely,
Todd Olson
Vice President for Student Affairs
and Dean of Students
