I have counted on a few things being constant during my stint at Georgetown: John Thomson III is the basketball coach, chicken fingers are served at Leo’s on Thursday, and The Hoya is protested for doing and publishing things a lot of students find racist. Now, I haven’t always been able to keep my life stabilized on the assumption that I will see chicken fingers on Thursday, but the other two seem pretty solid. So this blog will be on watch all year following The Hoya as it attempts to restrain itself from inevitably publishing the issue that will spur this year’s anti-Hoya-racism protests to break out. Thankfully the Media Board suspended The Hoya’s bid for independence this year, because the Media Board has proven to nurture the kind of journalism from The Hoya the past couple years that results in really nice, full anti-racism protests.

So far, after the first day of classes, The Hoya has officially not been protested yet. Tuesday’s issue, the first of the year, is very careful not to make jokes about “good old vanilla-chocolate swirl interracial fucking.” In fact, they were so careful not to make Jessie Sapp seem light-skinned, they darkened a picture so much that he and much of his surroundings are nearly impossible to make out.

A good start, but how long can the passive-aggressive protest-avoidance be sustained?

 

And We’re Back

It feels dusty around here. Not because we haven’t posted anything in awhile. It’s Blogger. It just feels so… 2004? Is that even a year? I am not sure that is even a year that exists it was so long ago. We should probably be beaming HD-tweets into your Heckler-branded content reception devices, not hanging around here. I mean, once in awhile, every four months or so, The Hoya will try to launch itself into the blogosphere, and you just feel uncool typing out thousands of words about college homepage websites. Does the blogosphere even exist anymore? Spell check is telling me that is not a word. I can’t be sure.

This blog will be attempted again, though. I can’t promise much, but it will be attempted.

There is also a goal to put an issue out towards the end of the month. You can read that too.

Also, I was heartened to see the lower section of Gaston Hall filled up today for a lecture fund event with comedy writer David Javerbaum. Granted, the event was not called “A Noted Comedy Writer Discusses His Craft.” It was called “Behind the Scenes of ‘The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.’” And it was freshmen’s first opportunity to see a non-NSO speaker in Gaston. But perhaps it is a sign that somewhere on campus, in some dark crevice of social anxiety and Easy Mac, there exists students who have some vague ambition to try their hand, or maybe even hands, at humor writing.

Come visit our table at SAC Fair on Sunday from 12-4 PM (or, if you want, for just a minute or two during that time span) to sign up for our online paper thing and the various advertisers to whom we will sell your e-mail address. We’ll be in Red Square with the other misshapen, pale, non-university-funded student groups. Who knows, maybe we’ll even pass out free GUGS burgers we’ve taken from the GUGS grills across from us!

 

Heckler Summer Blog ‘09! Or not.


Remember when we strained to bring you a blog last summer and then in the two semesters after that? That was fun. But it’s not happening this summer, we’re pretty sure.

Not that we really blogged about anything last summer. It was mostly just Jack Stuef writing boring updates of his writing fellowship and copy-and-pasting rejected Onion headlines. If you want to read more about his boring life and the occasional rejected Onion headline he deems fit for the world, follow him on Twitter. In an incredible accomplishment not befitting a scarcely published, constantly on the brink of death, narrowly focused college humor magazine, another of us, just-graduated Heckler editor Jon Rapoport, got this summer’s writing fellow job at The Onion. He’s probably not going to be writing a diary of his magic Onion journey on here, but we just wanted to brag. Seriously, there are much more established, better run, and university-supported humor mags out there. We should not be the one producing the best writers.

Our DeGioia Twitter account from our last issue continued on for less than a month, got some nice press, and then was shut down after the school complained to Twitter. Sorry.

If you want, you can take a look through our archives. A lot of the links don’t work anymore, so we have obviously won our wars with The Hoya and stupid-college-homepage things! We haven’t heard back with the ever-Googling-on-the-job Heather A. Maginnis, but we have taken over her immaculate Google results. Blue cups finally returned to Leo’s. And John Q Pierce remains at large, though we’ve won his Google results as well. There you go, closure.

In closing, the federal government apparently considers both the Heckler and The Hoya (I KNOW!) real campus newspapers.

Now go buy our sandwich. And e-mail us if you have any desire to write for us next year. We’re having a lot of turnover of writers, and well, hopefully, with your help, this thing won’t die out before it sees the new decade.

 

NEW ISSUE APRIL ‘09

We’re going to do a THIRD issue this year! Look for it early next week this Thursdayish DEFINITELY WEDNESDAY 5/6 AT THE LASTEST right here on the Internet.

Also, if anyone has any disgusting remarks about children to share, put them in the comments. I actually don’t have enough time on my hands to come up with these, so I need your help to reach the necessary college humor magazine disgusting-remarks-about-children quota for this month. Thanks.

UPDATE: It’s up.

 
Photo taken from Georgetown University’s Flickr account without permission.

The transcript:

SPEAKER: PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

OBAMA: Thank you so much. Please, everybody be seated.

Well, to President DeGioia, thank you so much for the gracious introduction, and thanks for bringing your family, including J.T. Appreciate you.

(LAUGHTER AT OBAMA PRETENDING TO APPRECIATE DEGIOIA)

The — we’re going to invite him over to hang out with the girls.

(LAUGHTER)

He’s a pretty good-looking young man.

Eww. Eww. Eww. Eww. What does that mean, and why would he want DeGioia’s son to do that to his daughters? I mean, it’s kind of gross that DeGioia even has a son. Some people probably even question if he is the father…


Wait, where have I seen that hair before?


AHHHHHH! THERE IT IS! OBAMA IS SECRETLY LINKED TO BLAGOJEVICH! AHHHHHH! AND HE WANTS BLAGO’S SECRET SON TO SPAWN WITH HIS DAUGHTERS AND CONTINUE THE DYNASTY! Eww.

Anyway, I stopped watching the video at this point:

To Georgetown University students, it is great to see you.

(LONG, RAPTUROUS, BOASTFUL APPLAUSE)

Calm the fuck down, people. Your biggest cheer during the speech should not be for yourselves. Uggh, Georgetown.

 

Georgetown Waitlist

People searching for that term on Google has led to an explosion of visits to this blog, via this post.

Look kids, the Heckler is here to help. Just give me your information, I’ll go over to the admissions office to argue your case, and they will be sure to not let you in.

Now scram. You’ll love it at Tufts.

Also, can the person who googled “provost georgetown beanie baby” shoot me an e-mail? I really, really want one of those.

 

MyNostradamus

I generally dislike MyAccess (can’t they at least put up the old-style Schedule of Classes if they’re going to put up the old-style Course Catalog?), but it can see what your schedule will look like up to THE END OF TIME:


In the City of God there will be a great thunder, Two brothers torn apart by Chaos,
while the fortress endures, the great leader will succumb.

The third big war will begin when you decide to take ARTP-080, Public Speaking.

 

The Hoya Gets Theirs

NOTE: There is no humor in the following rant. Move along.

This blog’s annoying need (on my part, and probably yours) to call The Hoya on their endless bullshit and lapse of duty as our “newspaper of record” can perhaps finally come to an end. They fucked up big time.

On Wednesday I first tried to write this post, but it’s really hard for us to respond to The Hoya’s April Fools’ issue. First, one of our writers was asked to write most of the thing for them in 2006, and The Hoya couldn’t manage to find a place between making in-jokes about themselves on their masthead to at all acknowledge him. Second, their crude “jokes” have been hypocritically allowed to be printed once a year despite us being denied the permission to become an official student organization in part because we wouldn’t be allowed to write any strong satire. Third, the issue is a clear embarrassment to The Hoya and is demeaning to Georgetown and the art of humor in general.

This issue has for years been a reflection of The Hoya’s bizarre but previously concealed views about what they have covered for the past year and their contempt for certain groups and people on campus, but somehow the issue has always come and passed without widespread outrage (especially easy last year, as they released the issue weeks late when people were starting to study for finals).

The Hoya generally defends the April Fools’ issue, as many have this year, as a “joke” that everyone should “chill out” about. Satire, however, is more than just a joke. Whether The Hoya realizes it or not, it has a point, and if you’re going to write it, you have to be ready to defend that point, because it’s yours. I think they put together what they thought were jokes without realizing, in these articles, the latent racist and insensitive assumptions and ideas that made them funny to them.

We shouldn’t be surprised that these notions exist in the writers of The Hoya. I’ve seen it a lot in certain members of the Long Island-New Jersey triangle, the great mass of the student body that to a high degree defines what Georgetown is at the present. I would hazard a guess that some of it comes from of their parents and a lot of it from a general isolation from people who are different from them. This is not to say that all students from that area are like this, or that all students with such racial notions are from that area, but I think that these notions are out there in the student culture, and that culture is largely defined by them.

It doesn’t surprise me at all that The Hoya wrote these articles because we’ve received so many submissions to the Heckler that I’ve found to be not only unfunny, but also racist. One particularly baffling article that we like to pass around amongst ourselves was about Tiger Woods being arrested for rape. The reason he won so many trophies, the article alleged, was not golf skills, but raping people. On at least two occasions, I’ve had to rewrite an article I thought had a good premise but seemed racist or homophobic in how it was carried out.

Another striking thing about this April Fools’ issue, one that relates to charges of racism, is The Hoya’s obsession with vigilante justice. It’s something I’ve also noticed in the culture here. I don’t know if it’s fueled by superhero movies, Catholic ideas about justice and punishment for straying from a code of acceptable practices, or a suburban fear of outsiders and the need to purge them. But it is a rampant belief, displayed in the comments here and here and elsewhere over my three years on campus.

And in this same vein, it has surfaced that some in GUSA are trying to find a way to get The Hoya punished for what they did.

As much as I detest what The Hoya did, that may be even more distressing than latent racism bursting onto its pages. The Hoya’s freedom of speech may have been used hatefully, but we cannot let our selves or the powers that be get in the habit of punishing people for this type or any type of speech, save the extreme cases of slander and libel.

And hopefully, journalists will learn to stay out of humor. It’s a bad idea.

NOTE: We’re lazy, but we are planning a new issue of the Heckler in the next few weeks. One that, as always, we can stand by, and one that hopefully has real jokes.

 

So this happened. It was remarkably close given the traditional model of GUSA elections: The Hoya endorses a ticket, and students who vote, i.e. freshmen, sign off on The Hoya’s choice. The last time The Hoya’s endorsed ticket did not gone on to win the election was back in Bush’s first term of office. And that only happened because the ticket that narrowly won had fines (something they had back then?) that exceeded the $75 limit on campaign spending and had the balls to put flyers refuting the Hoya endorsement inside of each copy of The Hoya, but their disqualification was overturned months after the election. Current seniors have never seen an election in which the Hoya-endorsed ticket did not win, and neither did the class graduating before them.

We may all think the Hoya Ed Board made a strange decision this year on their endorsement, but we have to remember it’s our duty to vote how they say to vote, no matter how bad a choice it may seem. So Georgetown, enjoy your new GUSA executives:

You deserve them.

 

More Hoya Ed Board LOLz

http://blog.georgetownvoice.com/2009/02/27/one-of-these-things-is-exactly-like-the-other-hoya-misprint-in-friday-edition

And thus our beloved Ed Board continues its silence on the biggest news of the year.

I understand, though. We printed our print issue with Silver Communications last year, and our shipment somehow ended up at somebody’s house on 36th St. Luckily somebody at the house knew what the Heckler was and correctly guessed that 2,000 issues of the Heckler were not meant only for him.