Now, this news is a little old. I was editing our first issue last week when I got a suspicious e-mail from this blog’s antagonist, John Q Pierce. “Dear Student,” it begins, “Consistent with the requirements of the federal Higher Education Opportunity Act, I am writing to provide you with a summary of the consequences of drug convictions on your ability to receive federal financial aid.”
Shit shit shit shit shit shit. Oh God, did I get busted for pot somewhere on campus and not remember it? Fuck fuck fuck. What did I do?
Turns out, this e-mail went out to all students. Or that’s how it appears. Seems a little odd, don’t you think? How often do we get e-mails from John Q Pierce? Checking the records from my three previous years at Georgetown, I found he only sends out notices for pre-registration or a final exam schedule. And a student drug policy e-mail seems a little like Todd Olson’s department, no? Did this go out to everyone on campus, or was it just doctored to look like it? And why did my computer suddenly catch on fire five minutes after I got the e-mail, destroying the e-mail but somehow leaving the rest of my laptop intact?
The answer, of course, is that there is a secret message in this e-mail for me. But what is it? Huddled Masses, please let me know:
