Whoops, I was supposed to blog here or something?

Well, guess what, guys? I wasn’t sure I should have put up a third digit on the big board when I made that graphic, but here we are, about to hit the big 1-0-0! What a fantastic day for college journalism at Georgetown that will be!

But sadly, I’m graduating next week and will no longer be editor of the Heckler. What will happen now? Well, I don’t know what will happen now. We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn’t matter with me now, because I’ve been to the mountaintop.

And I don’t mind.

Like anybody, I would like to live a long collegiate life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land! We will see The Hoya do something racist! And we, as a people, will protest their hateful ignorance, and we, as a college humor rag, will make fun of The Hoya!  I HAVE A DREAM, GOD DAMNIT!

Back to the matter at hand: our favorite newspaper of record has hit tough times and apparently merged with the Rugby Times, a publication that covers similar issues as The Hoya, like how the “tie and vest make it holiday dinner appropriate and the rugged, casual shirt gives it an edge—your edge.”

You know, douche issues.  Like how following the Rugby Times‘ exact instructions on how to dress is not an edge created by the Rugby Times, but rather your edge.

At first I thought the Rugby Times was just an advertising supplement to The Hoya. But that’s impossible. Newspapers and magazines do not ethically run long advertisement sections like this without alerting the reader on every page that it is a “SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION.” Even very, very respectable publications like Maxim and FHM do this. So, obviously, since the people at The Hoya are so in tune with journalistic standards (like making sure to put in large text ads thanking the layout team on their good work this year), they would have put a disclaimer at least somewhere letting us know this is a special advertising section, not their regular newspaper. Oh wait, I found a disclaimer on page 22:

Descriptive details featured may change after going to press.

Got it!  This is not a special advertising section!  This is the Rugby Times, part of the new Georgetown University Hoya-Rugby Times, and facts reported can change after they go to press!

The fact is, though, this is not an even merger.  The Rugby Times, despite not having its stories on the cover quite yet, makes up the bulk of the newspaper.  The Rugby Times is 24 pages long, while the regular Hoya news and sports sections are only 10 pages.  Even adding in the other section, The Decade in Review, the non-fashion part still takes up fewer pages than the Rugby Times, which is also about twice as heavy as the rest of the paper.

Also, the Rugby Times needs to back off ‘cuz it’s getting dangerously close to the Heckler’s font!

But what about race?  First, the Rugby Times has brought some much-needed racial diversity to this merger.  Rugby Times staffers include this black guy:

And this—what, black?  Native American?  Maori girl?

It also has scary pictures of this ginger:

And most heartwarming is the black guy, the only African-American in this issue of the Hoya-Rugby Times who is not on a basketball team or an Obama, has come together with another white douche-looking guy to play foosball!

If you’re wondering, the reporter says his navy/green tartan wool jacket is $398, his cream cotton rugby is $98, his cotton slim-fit pant in red tartan is $148, and his navy/gold silk bow tie is $49.50.  So that’s the price of diversity at The Hoya: just $693.50, or almost $200 more than I have in my bank account right now!

Sadly, true equality is still out of reach.  Look at the skin of the privileged people wearing top hats:

When is the day we will see a black individual in a stupid top hat in the pages of the Hoya-Rugby Times, our grand old newspaper of record?  Who knows.  Who knows.

P.S. New issue of the Heckler in the next few days, my final as editor.

P.P.S. Look, you can be a youthful “weekend rebel!”  Cost of buying the clothes that make you a rebel: only a little over $1000!

First of all, I don’t usually read printed copies of newspapers.  There’s this thing called the Internet now that’s easier to read.  But if I hadn’t today, I would’ve missed these:

What do you do when you can’t sell ad space?  Turn your paper into a yearbook.  OMG, you guys, keep in touch, remember what we said, we’re gonna be Campus News 4EVA! <3  I love you guys!  Newspapers are so much fun! <3 <3 <3 <3  Never forget our blood oath to never do any investigative reporting! <3 <3 <3 <3

I always thought two editorials an issue was way too much for the Ed Board to handle, but apparently this year they’ve convinced whoever is in charge over there to give them another box.  They use this box for assigning thumbs to things:

Achoo!: Lauren Johnson, a 12-year-old from Virginia, has been suffering from “machine gun sneezing” for two weeks. The condition causes her to sneeze 12,000 times daily, and has no known remedy. Thumbs Down

Thumbs down?!  Christ, Ed Board, do you have no compassion in your hearts?  How dare you thumbs-down this poor 12-year-old!  She can’t help sneezing that much!  If you don’t want to listen to her sneeze, go somewhere else.  But don’t pass judgment on this child in your newspaper.  That’s just objectively atrocious.  Thumbs up, Lauren Johnson, for ignoring these mean girls at the Ed Board.  Nobody loves them, so they say nasty things about defenseless children like you.  Don’t let them get to you.  And you know what?  Even if you are able to stop sneezing, keep doing it just to spite The Hoya.  In this country, we, except for The Hoya, embrace diversity, and constant-sneezers have just just as much right to the American Dream as non-sneezers and infrequent-sneezers.  ACHOO, motherfuckers.

Finally, ladies and gentlemen, let’s discuss this masterpiece: “Turning the Luck Around for Black Cats.”

That’s right folks, The Hoya is covering racial discrimination.  And not a moment too soon, I say.  It’s finally time to get beyond the April Fools’ Issue and seriously cover the issue of race on campus to… Wait, what?  This is about intolerance directed toward black cats?  As in, the animal?  Holy fucking shit.  Irony!

It’s not because people consider the cats frightening, however. Darker cats’ features are harder to make out, making their expressions harder to read, Drummond said. This characteristic makes the animals less attractive to potential buyers.

She said many Hoya writers see a binary opposition between blacks and whites and often offer negative connotations to darker students. Leonard also found that Hoya writers have doubts about poorer students’ levels of domestication

She said many people see a binary opposition between black and white and often offer negative connotations to darker animals. Leonard also found that customers have doubts about shelter animals’ levels of domestication

The Alexandria shelter, as well as the Washington Humane Society, tries to position darker cats in the shelter rooms so that they are well-lit and visible.

“We put bright-colored rugs or pillows in their cages so you can see the animal a little better,” Drummond said.

P.S., Georgetown, can we stop doing this shit? Thx. It’s not nice to call Copley a fag. Copley Hall is a person, just like you. Idiots.

We’re practically halfway through the semester, and no protests yet.  However, along with some making fun of the disabled, there are still troubling things going on, not counting the usual substandard campus journalism that at times pales in comparison to other media. Today’s victim: humor.

I’m not sure I stressed it enough during the fallout of the April Fools’ Issue last semester, but one of the other things slighted by The Hoya in that issue was comedy in general and satire specifically.  Now, obviously this is not as important in the grand scheme of things when compared to racism, but it is painful for comedy geeks like myself to see it treated in such a way.  I’ll try to leave it at that, because something of comedy also dies when you discuss it like a high art form and what it means to the lives of those create it.  But the pleasure I get from seeing The Hoya try to do what the Heckler does each year and failing pales in comparison to the sadness I get from seeing satire written poorly and becoming something hateful.  As I said, I’m a geek.

The Hoya’s mantra from here on out should be, “Don’t publish anything that’s racist; and if you’re trying to be funny, and it’s not funny, don’t publish that either.”  They are not following it with their editorial cartoons.

At points in the past, I’m sure these have been funny.  In fact, someone who has often contributed to the Heckler used to do these things for them.  But if they can’t find a good editorial cartoonist, they just need to not have one for a while.  Editorial cartoons themselves these days are usually hackneyed and ripe for parody, but the form is not dead, and laughs can still be had from them.  The Hoya’s cartoons by their current cartoonist, however, are a unique kind of terrible.  Not only are they not at all funny, they usually don’t make any sense either.  Whatever the cartoonist is trying to say is completely imperceptible.  The space on the third page of each issue is a complete black hole for humor and reason.  And on the website, they are attached to op-eds that have nothing to do with them.  Huh?

This most recent cartoon was paired with an op-ed on Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize on the website.  So many questions arise.  Did the cartoonist just think that putting swine flu news together with something collegey (beer) constitutes a complete thought?  Does he somehow think that the University is lax on alcohol regulations and tries to force alcohol on its students?  Or is it trying to distract students from the shortage, which is obviously not true?  And why do these “BEER KEGS” have spigots for attaching a garden hose on the bottom of them and nothing on top?  Has the cartoonist ever seen a beer keg?  Finally, look at the wrist on that table.  LOOK AT THAT WRIST.

I could cite more examples (especially if The Hoya gave me any possible way to locate these cartoons on their site), but I can feel comedy dying with each word I write.

In other Hoya news, apparently someone on the Ed Board got an alcohol violation in the past few weeks!  And they are still refusing to name the student arrested for shooting off that gun in McDonough, despite the precedent set by their giddy article in the less serious Simon Wu incident.

This week: the disabled! The Ed Board writes a bland editorial in favor of that wheelchair guy suing Mr. Smith’s for allowing him to be a fire hazard and then not. “Big deal.” OH YEAH? Well, you just have to look a little harder, my friend! The title of this story? “Standing With Taylor: Solidarity Counts.” Get it? They can’t stand with the guy in the wheelchair because, by definition, he cannot stand. SATIRE.

Uggggggggh. Seriously, they had to have realized what they did, right? That has to the most inane title for the piece they could come up with. Nobody writes a headline that poorly unless they’re trying to make a joke. Uggggggggh.

While we’re at it, does anyone know this kid? I will withhold vitriol because I’ve really maybe only said a word to him once or twice, but everyone I know who knows him thinks he’s, well, whatever polite word for douche bag exists that I can insert here. And, “I thought he was supposed to graduate last year, isn’t he like 25 by now?” Small sample size, so who knows, he may not be a d-word, whatever. Anyway, the interesting thing is, if you go to his website, it’s pretty much a chronicle of what happens when you’re a rich, well-connected disabled kid.

“LEMON!!!!!”

(See what I did there? I could write for The Hoya!)

Before you leave the site, make sure to donate to his trust fund. Don’t look at me like that! It’s a special needs trust fund. Special needs people need more than one trust fund. That’s why they call it special needs.

Thankfully, we’ve learned from this Hoya article that this guy “has not ruled out pursuing a monetary settlement.” God speed!

And remember, if there’s anything you learn from this courageous individual, it’s that the Hamptons are a very dangerous place. You could jump into a sandbar and come up suing a landbar.

EDIT 9/20: Reader Will Sommer notes that since publishing this article on Friday, The Hoya has changed the title of the article on their site to “Solidarity Counts,” though Will notes “the URL is still standing with Taylor.”

EDIT 9/22: And now they have moved the article to a new URL. It’s true, anonymous commenter, the printed version of the article was entitled “Standing Behind Taylor.” But that’s still pointing out he can’t stand, no?

So far, after the first day of classes, The Hoya has officially not been protested yet. Tuesday’s issue, the first of the year, is very careful not to make jokes about “good old vanilla-chocolate swirl interracial fucking.” In fact, they were so careful not to make Jessie Sapp seem light-skinned, they darkened a picture so much that he and much of his surroundings are nearly impossible to make out.

A good start, but how long can the passive-aggressive protest-avoidance be sustained?