Blog | The Georgetown Heckler

First, the good news. You don’t have AIDS. Unless you do, in which case I am so, so sorry. That was incredibly insensitive. Otherwise, congratulations! Your inability to gain an erection since the late 1970s has finally paid off.

Now, the bad news. The Heckler Blog will be going on a three-week hiatus. The staff and I are retreating to the Tibetan mountains to study with our buddy the Dalai Lama, a master of comedy. There we will contemplate questions such as, if a midget is in the woods and no one is around to poke him and make him squeal, is he still funny? along with other impressive and life altering rhetorical questions. In the meantime, you can read all the stuff we’ve written so far on the site, and be sure to check out www.georgetownheckler.com to read all the Heckler archives which are hilarious. Check back sometime mid-July for new posts. Thanks for reading, and remember, if it looks like shit, smells like shit, and tastes like shit, put it in a brown paper bag and light it on fire on front of someone’s door. See you later suckas. Heckler out.

First, the good news. You don’t have AIDS. Unless you do, in which case I am so, so sorry. That was incredibly insensitive. Otherwise, congratulations! Your inability to gain an erection since the late 1970s has finally paid off.

Now, the bad news. The Heckler Blog will be going on a three-week hiatus. The staff and I are retreating to the Tibetan mountains to study with our buddy the Dalai Lama, a master of comedy. There we will contemplate questions such as, if a midget is in the woods and no one is around to poke him and make him squeal, is he still funny? along with other impressive and life altering rhetorical questions. In the meantime, you can read all the stuff we’ve written so far on the site, and be sure to check out www.georgetownheckler.com to read all the Heckler archives which are hilarious. Check back sometime mid-July for new posts. Thanks for reading, and remember, if it looks like shit, smells like shit, and tastes like shit, put it in a brown paper bag and light it on fire on front of someone’s door. See you later suckas. Heckler out.

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and when it gives you oranges, you have to make orange juice. Tonight, we tried to make tomato juice out of lemon juice.”

P.S. – That is a cat with a lime helmet that A-Rod is imagining. That is what gives him inspiration while flags superimpose themselves on his body. It happens more than you’d think.

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and when it gives you oranges, you have to make orange juice. Tonight, we tried to make tomato juice out of lemon juice.”

P.S. – That is a cat with a lime helmet that A-Rod is imagining. That is what gives him inspiration while flags superimpose themselves on his body. It happens more than you’d think.

They say that the best things in life are free, but “they” aren’t hookers. Hookers are a proud but simple people, and don’t understand logic or painfully trite adages. Don’t try to reason with your hooker, this will only scare her/him/it. If your hooker feels that they are trapped in a corner, they will not hesitate to lash out. Do not allow your hooker to feel frightened or insecure, that is their pimp’s job, and far be it from you to alter the natural hierarchy of the hooker world. Always remain calm around your hooker. Do not try sudden movements that might make their coke-riddled mind uneasy. Be sure not to show fear. Hookers can smell fear, and they will strike immediately. Just remember: pay the price and things are nice. Or, for those sick fucks of you out there: pay the pimp and fuck your gimp.

They say that the best things in life are free, but “they” aren’t hookers. Hookers are a proud but simple people, and don’t understand logic or painfully trite adages. Don’t try to reason with your hooker, this will only scare her/him/it. If your hooker feels that they are trapped in a corner, they will not hesitate to lash out. Do not allow your hooker to feel frightened or insecure, that is their pimp’s job, and far be it from you to alter the natural hierarchy of the hooker world. Always remain calm around your hooker. Do not try sudden movements that might make their coke-riddled mind uneasy. Be sure not to show fear. Hookers can smell fear, and they will strike immediately. Just remember: pay the price and things are nice. Or, for those sick fucks of you out there: pay the pimp and fuck your gimp.

Well that’s it folks. The U.S. went down (on my balls) in the World Cup. Pretty impressive how much they sucked. I was disappointed with how short it was. I mean, I was really hoping they’d last a little longer on my balls. But they just didn’t quite make it. They sucked hard for a while, but in the end, my balls prevailed and the U.S. was vanquished. Several people in particular are worthy of noting for their excessive sucking of my balls. I’d like to say a little something to a few of them.

Landon Donovan: Wow. You blew more than a crack whore on payday. Nicely done.

Demarcus Beasley: You are a dick.

Brian McBride: I actually like this guy. He’s ballsy. He gets hit in the face pretty much every game, and has to come out. But he always comes back for one more crack to the face. Awesome. He’s like a retard playing tetherball. Plus, he’s had most of his skull replaced with metal because of how many times he’s needed surgery from being hit in the face. He’s practically a cyborg, which will be useful when the machines rise up against us. We’ll neeed McBride to get repeatedly bashed in the face by the machines to distract them while Arnold Schwarzenegger comes back in time to destroy them.

Bruce Arena: What the fuck dude? Why didn’t you put Jon O’Brien in? Why didn’t you put Eddie Johnson in earlier? Why didn’t you do anything? Why won’t you answer my calls? Why won’t you lift the restraining order? Why are you so afraid of me because I threatened to kill you? Do you know where your wife is? Would you like to? Call me.

France: Well, I just don’t like you guys. I hope you don’t make it either. I hope Togo hands your ass to you on a silver platter. Although, with Togo it’d probably be a rotten wood platter. Or an animal sacrifice that they’ll hand to you, or something weird. I don’t know anything about Togo.

USA: Fuck you. You know what the worst part is? You people don’t even care. Fuck you guys. Have we ever even shot a soccer player? No, we haven’t. Because we don’t care. Now I’m not saying I want Americans to start shooting soccer players, all I’m saying is would it be that bad if we did? I mean, we have the right to bare arms right? Let’s let the U.S. team know how much we care. Interpret that how you will. My lawyer says I’m strictly prohibited from “outright declarations of intent to commit violent acts or inciting others to do so.”

The World Cup: Fuck you. You are such a cock tease. You play with my balls for a while, tickle them and stuff, and then bam! donkey punch my ass. Unnecessary World Cup. Unnecessary.

David Dilkinson: I know you don’t play for the U.S. soccer team, and you are not even remotely connected to soccer by any stretch of the imagination, but fuck you. You know what you did. I will find you, and I will crush you. Suffice it to say I still want my kidney back.

Well that’s it folks. The U.S. went down (on my balls) in the World Cup. Pretty impressive how much they sucked. I was disappointed with how short it was. I mean, I was really hoping they’d last a little longer on my balls. But they just didn’t quite make it. They sucked hard for a while, but in the end, my balls prevailed and the U.S. was vanquished. Several people in particular are worthy of noting for their excessive sucking of my balls. I’d like to say a little something to a few of them.

Landon Donovan: Wow. You blew more than a crack whore on payday. Nicely done.

Demarcus Beasley: You are a dick.

Brian McBride: I actually like this guy. He’s ballsy. He gets hit in the face pretty much every game, and has to come out. But he always comes back for one more crack to the face. Awesome. He’s like a retard playing tetherball. Plus, he’s had most of his skull replaced with metal because of how many times he’s needed surgery from being hit in the face. He’s practically a cyborg, which will be useful when the machines rise up against us. We’ll neeed McBride to get repeatedly bashed in the face by the machines to distract them while Arnold Schwarzenegger comes back in time to destroy them.

Bruce Arena: What the fuck dude? Why didn’t you put Jon O’Brien in? Why didn’t you put Eddie Johnson in earlier? Why didn’t you do anything? Why won’t you answer my calls? Why won’t you lift the restraining order? Why are you so afraid of me because I threatened to kill you? Do you know where your wife is? Would you like to? Call me.

France: Well, I just don’t like you guys. I hope you don’t make it either. I hope Togo hands your ass to you on a silver platter. Although, with Togo it’d probably be a rotten wood platter. Or an animal sacrifice that they’ll hand to you, or something weird. I don’t know anything about Togo.

USA: Fuck you. You know what the worst part is? You people don’t even care. Fuck you guys. Have we ever even shot a soccer player? No, we haven’t. Because we don’t care. Now I’m not saying I want Americans to start shooting soccer players, all I’m saying is would it be that bad if we did? I mean, we have the right to bare arms right? Let’s let the U.S. team know how much we care. Interpret that how you will. My lawyer says I’m strictly prohibited from “outright declarations of intent to commit violent acts or inciting others to do so.”

The World Cup: Fuck you. You are such a cock tease. You play with my balls for a while, tickle them and stuff, and then bam! donkey punch my ass. Unnecessary World Cup. Unnecessary.

David Dilkinson: I know you don’t play for the U.S. soccer team, and you are not even remotely connected to soccer by any stretch of the imagination, but fuck you. You know what you did. I will find you, and I will crush you. Suffice it to say I still want my kidney back.

Fundamentalist Christians (read: crazy people) believe that a day will come in the not so distant future when Jesus Christ will return to Earth from heaven and whisk away all those who have been faithful and pure leaving behind us sinners to find ways of amusing ourselves before we are ultimately destroyed. It’s all very technical and complicated, backed by heaps of credible evidence, and is known amongst the scientific community as the “Rapture.” Here are a few of my plans for that glorious day:

1. Catch up on the Sopranos
2. Finish the thank you notes from my second grade birthday party
3. Learn to juggle
4. Call grandma
5. See the Grand Canyon
6. Start the Bible
7. Masturbate
8. Finish the bible
9. Take fencing lessons
10. Lose my virginity
11. Prepare to do battle with a horsed Jesus with a flaming two-edged sword coming out of his mouth who has come to strike me down. Not without a fight I say!

Fundamentalist Christians (read: crazy people) believe that a day will come in the not so distant future when Jesus Christ will return to Earth from heaven and whisk away all those who have been faithful and pure leaving behind us sinners to find ways of amusing ourselves before we are ultimately destroyed. It’s all very technical and complicated, backed by heaps of credible evidence, and is known amongst the scientific community as the “Rapture.” Here are a few of my plans for that glorious day:

1. Catch up on the Sopranos
2. Finish the thank you notes from my second grade birthday party
3. Learn to juggle
4. Call grandma
5. See the Grand Canyon
6. Start the Bible
7. Masturbate
8. Finish the bible
9. Take fencing lessons
10. Lose my virginity
11. Prepare to do battle with a horsed Jesus with a flaming two-edged sword coming out of his mouth who has come to strike me down. Not without a fight I say!